No Room In The Inn

A lot has happened since my last post, including playing the part of a villager in the virtual performance of the Gift Service at The Reformed Church of Bronxville with my husband Dan. Here is how it went down:

Dan: We got a call. They are short two villagers for the Gift Service. Are you in?

Me: Am I in? Am I in love with greyhounds? Of course I’m in!

Listen, when I was 10 years old, I wrote, choreographed, and starred in Cry for Cray with the Cellar Six. It was a hilarious (at least I thought so) musical spoof of West Side Story performed in my parent’s basement.  We knocked out multiple shows. My little sister Kir sold popcorn and candy in the furnace room. Neighbors filled the seats and money was raised for the ASPCA (the actual donation is another story).

I still have a very clear vision of a young red-headed Eddie O’Toole in the front row watching his big sister Ellen belt out the hit “Cray, You’re the Hit of My Day”. I guarantee he would rather have taken out the trash than sit on a folding chair with 25 other stunned attendees. I thought the show was epic. Very The Little Rascalesque. I have longed for the theatre ever since.

Any chance to jump back on stage, I am your gal. I think you can guess the offers have not exactly been rolling in if I was chomping at the bit to don a rope cinched tunic and stand outside in 30-degree weather in bare feet.

Me: How many lines do I have?

Dan: No lines.

Me: What!!?? How about we sneak a couple in? Who wouldn’t want to hear me shout: “I’m heading to see the baby!”?

Dan: No one. You will end up on the cutting room floor.

Me: Darn it.

The Gift Service has been performed at our church for 67 years by “high school youth and all the children’s choirs, bringing the Nativity to life in a grand musical pageant, with gifts distributed to our partners in Yonkers”. Notice there is no mention of adult actors. I think we were the last call.

Because of COVID, the usual live performance held in the church sanctuary would be replaced by a compilation of scenes shot by each individual “actor” and sent to the production team, a FANTASTIC couple who took on the digital task to bring us one of our most beloved traditions via a YouTube link.

A bag of garments, rope belts, one wig, and a beard arrived on our doorstep. I was hoping to wear the fake hair, but Dan got first dibs.

The following instructions were emailed which included two videos for reference:

“We need two videos of each of you (four total):

Videos MUST be taken HORIZONTALLY.

You can use a good phone.

First one:

Find a tree.

Cameraperson should squat or kneel on the ground about 30 feet from the tree.  Film at angle upward. (Watch example).

Villager does NOT LOOK AT CAMERA!

Eyes should be gazing far into the distance behind the camera person.

Villager, starting at 10 feet from the camera walks into the frame and stops about 1.5 feet from the person filming (so that camera is capturing sky/tree branches and villagers head).  The idea is that we will NOT see the particulars of your yard.

HOLD 3 seconds.

Turn to the left and walk out of the frame.

Shot 2:

Cameraperson STANDS in front of a bush (different from the tree).  The angle of the camera is slightly down (see example).

Villager starts about 3 feet from the camera person and kneels before him/her.

Again, DO NOT look at the camera.

Please please please watch your videos before you send them to make sure they’re in focus and there’s no bikes or 21st-century stuff in the background”.

We thought we found a spot away from the public eye that could pass for Bethlehem until a dog walker came upon us in mid-shoot of Dan acting out YMCA as a plug to the Village People. A little comic relief after a serious performance.

Dog Walker: I don’t know what you are doing but I would imagine you are going to get a lot of likes on social media (heavy British accent).

Dan: It’s for our church.

Dog Walker: Right (shaking his head).

Here are our final takes:

I could literally watch Dan all day kneeling and flashing the bald spot through his wig.

And by the way, most, no ALL the people we shared these videos with said they felt frightened. “Horror movie-worthy”, “Children of the Corn”, “The Blair Witch Project”, to name a few comments. “I expected the camera to pull back and find ghouls hanging from the trees” one remarked. Wow, that was NOT what I was hoping to hear at all.

And then the magic happened:

 

Dan and I are both looking for agents if you know of any.