Gretchen and Ivan

As most of you know, New Yorkers woke up to a ton of snow on Monday. Actually, “a ton of snow” is an understatement.  I found a calculator that estimated Dan and I shoveled 7488 pounds of mom’s driveway snow, which equals just under 4 tons.  That’s 512 pounds less than the weight of a killer whale. I’m not even counting the front walkway or the sidewalk. Yes, I am patting ourselves on our over-50 aching backs.  Excuse me for a minute while I call the chiropractor.

Mom is not a fan of winter.  She’s a sun worshipper. Grey skies and over a foot of snow, no matter how beautiful, make her feel spring and summer are too far from reach.  Back in the day, she and my dad would be island hopping this time of year, swinging their golf clubs and frying their skin on white sandy beaches. Jetting mom off to a tropical locale to cheer her up is out of the question, not with the “virus,” as she calls it, still looming. Instead, I load up her house with blooming amaryllis, Japanese iris, and tulips to simulate spring, but even that doesn’t seem to cut it right now. The only thing I could think of to take her mind off frigid February was to create a snowwoman friend for her.

I station her new pal on the terrace. Mom would have the perfect viewpoint from her seat at the kitchen table. I dramatically pulled the curtains back for full impact.

Mom: Oh, is she adorable. Well done. Let’s name her Gretchen.

Phew.

Mom: I hope you have sent a picture to Dan.

Me: I have.

Mom: What does he think? He must be in love with her.

Me: The opposite.  He thinks she’s scary.

Mom: What? We have a fantastic new family member to love! How can he say that?  Get him on the phone.

I ring my husband up at work and hand the receiver to mom.

Mom: Dan, I understand you are not impressed with Gretchen.

Dan: She is not the most attractive woman I have ever seen.

Mom: Listen, not every woman is classically beautiful.  All one needs are good eyes and a good smile. And to be nice.

Dan: She’s a nightmare. Have you seen the eyes? Those are not good eyes.

Mom: I don’t know if I want to accept that. But you are handsome.

Click.

Me: I can see what Dan means about the eyes.

Mom: There’s a certain look. There is a certain sadness, and it has to do with the eyes. She needs a twinkle. And if the mouth could go up a bit on the sides, it would be better. The smile has not been positive. It’s just sort of lingering.  I think she may be lonely.

I head out the kitchen door for home and hear mom say to Theresa:

Mom: Can Gretchen come in tonight?

Teresa: NO! She has to stay out.

Mom: She’s lonely out there.

Teresa: She doesn’t mind.

The next day mom announces Gretchen needs a boyfriend.

Mom: She is out there all night with her beautiful crown of fairy lights and no one to admire her. Please find her a suitor.

Ivan appeared the next afternoon, the day before the warm weather. Mom couldn’t be happier.  She no longer had to worry before she closed her eyes at night.  Gretchen was in good hands.

Mom: Can you please alert the media.

Me: About…..?

Mom: What do you mean about?

Me: Just what I said.

Mom: Ivan and Gretchen! Here is the script you can pass on: We would like to inform you that we have two new family members on our street. Gretchen and Ivan.  They were blown in from the North Pole. They are very pleased to be joining the community but unfortunately, they are not going to be around for long.

Me: I will see what I can do.

Mom: You better take their clothes off. It’s going to rain tonight.

Me: Mom! They have just met.

Mom: Oh you are right.

It poured rain that night.  I got a call first thing the next morning.

Mom: Are you coming over to see the creatures? They are getting wet.

Me: How do they look?

Mom: Gretchen looks pretty good, and you know what? So does Ivan. Come over. They want to see you.

I head over to Mom’s house later that day. Neither one of them was looking grand.

Mom: Well, Gretchen has lost her face.  Ivan is waiting to see what happens to him.

Me: They had a good run. Ivan got here just in time.

Mom: Yes, he did.  Please make sure all the photos you took of them go into the family album.

Me: I will do my best.

Mom: Better than your best, please.

Dan calls me while I am still at Mom’s. I’m seriously contemplating having prints made from my iPhone shots of the couple outside.

Me: Mom wants pictures of Ivan and Gretchen added to the family photo album.

Dan: What? I’m not even in the family photo album.

Me: Don’t sweat it.  No one’s been added since 1990.  I’m not sure if I am going to start now.