No Party for the Pie Man

I married a man named Dan, who liked to play kick the can……..

What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong is my husband Dan, aka Dan Dan the Pie Man, has a birthday tomorrow and he will NOT let me throw him a party.  Not like that is new news. I have NEVER been allowed to throw him a party even though party throwing is my favorite thing in the world to do! I have been threatened with divorce numerous times if I DARE gather up the troops and festoon the place with streamers, balloons, noisemakers, and mom’s paper-mache monkey rattle.

Of course, I would want it to be a surprise, all of us jumping out of the dark screaming, wearing assorted crowns, mini dunce hats, and bell tipped jester caps. Wouldn’t you want that coming at you when you are completely unaware? I would. But alas, no dice for Dan.

His 40th birthday, 17 years ago, came and went with no fanfare. I had been sternly instructed NO PARTY!  We were not married yet and I’ll admit when he was down on one knee a couple of years later proposing it did occur to me,  could I marry a man who forbids me from celebrating his birth? I accepted the risk and nine months later we tied the knot.

Every party we went to the year he and his buddies leaped from 39 to a new decade I whispered:

Me: Isn’t this great?! Another festive birthday party!  And look at the slide show presentation of Colin as a baby! Fantastic! I know your mother would be thrilled to ship out the box of pictures of your life to me.

Dan: No.

Me: What do you mean, no? All your buddies are celebrating!

Dan: No.

Then his 50th came.  Believe me, I tried. Maybe growing older would soften him a bit, I thought. The opposite was happening.

Dan: No party. In fact, maybe I will go away for the day and night to be safe. You can’t be trusted.

Me: Oh, come on. What’s the big deal?

Dan: The big deal is I DON’T WANT A PARTY! Not interested. It sounds like YOU are the one who wants a party.

Busted. Dammit, Janet.

Ok so Dan has a real excuse this year why a party is not a good idea, but who says I can’t organize a drive-by birthday parade for him? Mom and I  have participated in multiple birthday celebrations on wheels since March of this year. We could pretend we are headed to someone else’s big day, our cars bedecked with mylar balloons and crepe paper ribbon. Children standing out of sunroofs holding “Happy Birthday Dan” posters. My mother shouting out of the backseat window, “It’s for another Dan!” as we slowly creep past him.  Perfect!

I can see him now, standing next to his car, looking for the fake flat tire I called him to check, shaking his head mouthing “I’m calling our lawyer” while watching us all roll by.

Maybe his 60th?