The Bone Mission
Marta on the right. Last year she was a he. No explanation offered.
Out of nowhere mom gave me marching orders involving fake bones.
Mom: We need more skeletons.
Me: We already have Marta hanging from your lamppost.
Note the girth. What you don’t see are the four other devoured pumpkins.
Mom: Listen, since those terrible squirrels have DESTROYED our pumpkin display out on my front steps, we need to bring in the big guns. We need someone sitting out there.
Me: You do realize it’s a week before Halloween.
Mom: You’ll find them. Now get cracking!
So online I go and surprise surprise Amazon is sold out. Two other sources, cleaned out too. I manage to find a Party City on Baychester Avenue in the Bronx that has four left. Five footers. “Lifelike” the description reads. I buy two online and sign up for same-day pickup.
After a series of miscommunications with the staff at the Baychester Party City about where exactly the contactless pick up is located (by the way, Party City is in that mall by Co-op City I have wondered about a million times while speeding home on the Hutch after crossing the Whitestone Bridge), I have to park in a lot, exit my car and go inside.
Me: I am here to pick up my skeletons.
Really Kind Worker: We have been calling you. On this number (He shows me a number on his phone). Why haven’t you answered?
Me: That would be my landline. It’s not even plugged into the wall.
Really Kind Worker: That’s not helpful. I will bring them out for you. They are quite heavy. Curbside pickup is right out the door.
Me: I see that now. I was waiting in a fire line in front of the Kmart. I am kind of far away. I couldn’t tell what entrance was yours.
I detect a slight eye roll. I’m old enough to be this guy’s mother.
Really Kind Worker: Let’s go.
The four of us set off. The skeletons are almost as tall as he is.
After a couple of minutes of hoofing it across the lot……….
Really Kind Worker: Where is your car?
Me: Don’t worry, almost there.
When we finally reach my wagon, I open the trunk. I’m really wanting to give this very kind person a reward for having to deal with me. I’m pretty sure tipping isn’t encouraged, but all I have is three items sitting in the back that may be of interest.
Me: I am truly grateful. I have been on a mission for my 95-year-old mom and you have helped me accomplish it. I have a case of Flow alkaline spring water to offer you or two brand new unopened king-sized pillowcases. I was going to return them but if you would like them, they’re yours.
Really Kind Worker: Just a good review is enough. Thank you (crazy woman).
Me: Ok, if you are sure. The cases are 600 thread count.
There was a slight sprint away from me as I stood waving goodbye.